I originally wrote this post over a week ago, but never posted it. After hearing the Relief Society Broadcast on Saturday and listening to this talk, my mind set has changed slightly. I left the talk thinking, wow I really needed to hear that!
Here is the post I wrote last week:
Scott and I were talking about when and if we want to have another baby. As we got talking I started to realize how scared I am to have another baby. Also how discouraged I am with life! I keep thinking about all the things that I found really hard over the last year and a half and think could it get any worse?
Here is the post I wrote last week:
Scott and I were talking about when and if we want to have another baby. As we got talking I started to realize how scared I am to have another baby. Also how discouraged I am with life! I keep thinking about all the things that I found really hard over the last year and a half and think could it get any worse?
What happens if when they stitch me up after delivery and the doctor says, wow this is the worse internal tears I have seen ever, instead of the first time when she said, in a long time.
I remember kneeing on the floor crying for weeks after Boston was born because I was in so much aftermath pain and I couldn’t hold my baby, let alone sit, stand or even lie down.
I remember the first two weeks my whole night and day consisted of pumping, trying to nurse, then feeding Boston with a bottle, then burping, then a short nap before the 2 hour long process started all over again.
I remember Boston was only 3.5 months old when I started to pack up our condo to move. Scott was in the middle of a busy internship and I just needed someone to come over and help me and my sister was the only one that did. And of course my parents came up the day before we moved and helped me finish or in my mom's eyes, start!
My mom said that moving to Regina would be too hard on me with a new baby. I said I would be fine. Mothers know best. Scott’s internship is done at the end of April but what happens if he can't find a job in Alberta and we end up staying in Regina? Regina has been lonely, depressing and caused major strain on our marriage.
I remember Boston average bedtime for months and months was midnight. We tried everything, but nothing works. Boston still sleeps below average, he took after his daddy, I love sleep, and Scott can do without.
I remember Boston average bedtime for months and months was midnight. We tried everything, but nothing works. Boston still sleeps below average, he took after his daddy, I love sleep, and Scott can do without.
I was told that once you started nursing, the baby weight would fall right off… well the weight came on and on. And still is coming on and on. I’m an emotional eater, and I don’t want to have another baby and gain even more weight when I haven’t lost any to begin with.
I am not proud of my mental state right now. Scott says I just need to be happier and think happier, but I don’t think it is that easy. I have never had cold sores in my life and I have had them for a whole month now. They come and go every 2 days. Cold sores are brought about from stress and lack of sleep. I think that sums up me.
I know everyone has different things they need to deal with in their lives and we aren’t given anything we can’t handle. I need some motivation, I know being a mom is hard, but this is way harder than I ever thought it would be. I knew moving 9 hours away from my family would be hard, but never thought it would be this hard. I knew having a husband in a busy master’s program would be stressful, but I didn’t think it would affect us like it has. What happened to that exciting perfect life we always got presented to us in YW class every Sunday?
I need some motivation…
I debated posting this but decided that it is okay to have bad days and it is okay to get discouraged sometimes. BUT now I need to rethink life and as President Uchtdorf said, be patient with myself, make good sacrifices and mostly BE HAPPY NOW! I keep telling myself that things will be better when we move back to Alberta, or when Scott is in a real job, or when I have a house and not a tiny apartment. I know I can be happy now, I just need to really work at it! I bought a new book many months ago and haven't read it yet. It is called, The Happiness Project. My goal is to read it ASAP. It is a struggle for me to be happy and I need a little "workbook" to help me out. Wish me luck!
I debated posting this but decided that it is okay to have bad days and it is okay to get discouraged sometimes. BUT now I need to rethink life and as President Uchtdorf said, be patient with myself, make good sacrifices and mostly BE HAPPY NOW! I keep telling myself that things will be better when we move back to Alberta, or when Scott is in a real job, or when I have a house and not a tiny apartment. I know I can be happy now, I just need to really work at it! I bought a new book many months ago and haven't read it yet. It is called, The Happiness Project. My goal is to read it ASAP. It is a struggle for me to be happy and I need a little "workbook" to help me out. Wish me luck!
6 comments:
It is so easy to focus on the negative things isn't it? I do the same thing too often. And all of your fears and concerns are perfectly legitimate! Sometimes when I think back to all the terrible nights with my babies, all the sleep deprivation and the inability to function because of pain and fatigue, I wonder what the heck I am doing choosing to do this all again! When I think about how overwhelmed I can get trying to maintain a household with just 2 kids, I worry about the disaster that will take over once we have 3! And I think it's OK to have those worries and fears. They ARE legitimate.
But I also agree that happiness for yourself is a wonderful thing to pursue. It is so easy to think that things will be "better when"...and hard to be happy now! I wish you good luck on your reevaluation of life and happiness!
I know we are not close but I am always here to listen if you want to vent or need a friend!
A good honest post is never a bad thing Tara- trust me, I've written a few doozies. Life is not easy, it's not always fun and sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away, but you always get there in the end. Haha oh, and about that "exciting perfect life" they talked about in YWs, we must have had some really blessed leaders or they lied! LOL Seriously, there's no way I could've understood how much actual physical and mental work being a wife and mother would be, especially as a teenager. Nothing could have prepared me for this stage of life. Don't forget how quickly time passes, this is not a forever stage of life. There are all sorts of lessons we can learn from what's happening in our lives right now, and we'll be able to be more realistic when we teach our kids and even the youth of the church about these things.
Also, subsequent children seem to be easier to manage, at least for me. With Brynlee I wasn't killing myself trying to pump and I didn't hate myself for having to supplement her with formula like I did with Kalea. All those things are easier because you know what matters is just keeping baby alive and yourself "sane"- whatever that means. It's a lot more fun the second time around because you do become more patient with yourself and it's a great ego boost to feel like "Hey I know what I'm doing!" I hope you start feeling better soon, if I can help in ANY way you know how to reach me :)
first of I want to give you a big hug and i love you! second, you know I understand about life not being as you thought.I am struggling with it as we speak. I needed this post to! thank you! I need to go read that talk! One thing that has come to mind lately for me is that I need to take care of ME right now, get spiritually well, then i always get physically well as well. When my spiritual health is good, the other stuff seems easier. With more kids, Dont stress yourself. boston is young, and despite what you think, you are young as well. everything in time. work on one thing at a time, and right now that is you! love you!
Oh Tara. That was such a great, honest post. I think we often get caught up feeling like everyone elses life is perfect when in fact we all have our struggles for sure. I could relate so much to your post....lets just say that having babies 13 months apart, a hideous c-section, a cut bladder and a catheter at home for weeks, nursing issues, etc, etc. I feel for you. My kids are basically 3 and 4 years old now and this is the first time that I have even started to slightly consider having another baby (still unsure). It really doesn't matter if you have a 1 year gap between your kids or a 5 year gap....just do what you can handle. (there are no extra points for having lots of kids close together).
The thing that has saved my sanity is like what was mentioned in the previous post.....take time for yourself. Take time for your spiritual self and for your physical self. Be selfish for a half hour a day (schedule it in). Read, walk, run, craft, do whatever will give you the stress relief/break that you need.
You are doing an amazing job with Boston. Keep it up. *hugs*
Tara,
I loved this post. Not because I love that you have these struggles/ thoughts. I love it because it's sooooo real. I think now adays (especially in our world) everyone wants to seem perfect etc. It's incredible how many of your thoughts and feelings i am having. That talk was amazing and maybe it was a kick inthe pants. I know that we are doing good to be happy now. Thanks for being real. Helps me know it's ok to have an off day and it's ok to have to work on our weaknesses.
I loved reading your post! You are not alone! And wasn't that talk the best? So perfect! Take care Tara!
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